well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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