I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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