Bisexual people are plain selfish.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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