my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
