when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
