Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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