Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
