How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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