Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
