Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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