when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
