Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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