but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
