I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
