i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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