And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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