a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
