john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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