M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
