You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
