I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
