she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
