This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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