It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
