I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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