shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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