i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
