i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
