im six kinds of drunk right now
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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