His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
