whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize