you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
