He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
