I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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