3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
