We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
