no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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