I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
