It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
