I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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