Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
