well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
