i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize