So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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