I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm both gender and math confused
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
