I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
