I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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