i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
