I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
