Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
