Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
