So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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