I should be sponsored by Trojan
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
