Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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