If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
