dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
