The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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