Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
