Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
