I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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