i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
