Yo dont text me then not text me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize