Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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